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Addiction has a potent relational component. Addiction also has a powerful physical manifestation. The latter is perhaps easier to see, as many of us have seen people act compulsively while using alcohol or drugs. However, to focus only on the physical aspect of addiction limits the scope of our understanding. For people seeking recovery from addiction, addressing the relational component is necessary.

For example, a woman addicted to alcohol has a complementary relationship with her spouse. As the woman increases her drinking, her spouse increases his focus on her drinking and attempts to control her behavior. As the spouse increases his control, the woman increases her drinking. The increase in drinking and the increase in control are complementary behaviors.

The behavior of the addicted woman makes sense in that it complements the behavior of the spouse, just as the behavior of the spouse compliments the behavior of the addicted woman. The pattern of interaction between the couple becomes a cycle. One person’s behavior prompts an automatic and predictable reaction from the other. For most of us, it is easy to blame the addict for the relationship problems, because the drinking or drug use appears to be the significant factor which causes the couple’s pain. It is also easy to sympathize with the spouse’s behavior and view it as insignificant in the couple’s dynamic. However, it is difficult to determine the beginning point of the couple’s cycle of complimentary interaction. Even if a beginning point were to be determined, i.e., to place the blame on one individual, we have to consider the contributions of the other individual involved in the relationship. The contributions of both individuals form an interactive cycle with no beginning or end.

Addiction hurts both individuals in a couple. The goal of recovery from addiction for each partner in the relationship is to focus on self. The addiction treatment field is based on the premise that a person can change only his or her behavior. Therefore, recovery from addiction for both individuals must include a process of reflecting on one’s behavior and its impact on the other person in the relationship. Returning to our earlier example, the recovering alcoholic will practice managing her sobriety; the husband will practice managing his controlling behavior. Through counseling, the couple can learn to interrupt their automatic reactive stance to each other that maintains the cycle of addiction.

The solution to reactive behavior is to slow down and think about the appropriate response to another person. To think about a situation before taking an action gives the person a choice among several possible responses. The process of slowing down to think about an appropriate response interrupts reactive behavior. To maintain focus on self requires a lot of patience and practice. In time, the practice can become second nature to those who consciously concentrate on regulating their behavior rather than the behavior of others.

Arpi Hovaguimian, LCSW is the Executive Director of the Alcohol & Drug Council. The Sober Talk column appears in the Ithaca Journal on the first Thursday of each month.